Doc Zoidbergs tips for Newbies (GNN) July

Zoidberg’s Tips for Newbies
It’s too late to swing voters now, so Zoidberg is running a PSA with a couple of tips for newbies that you won’t hear anywhere else:

1) “How can I tell if I’m playing on the browser or the app?” I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard that question asked on the Newbie channel. Really, I can’t tell you. Well, here’s a trick that will resolve your doubts. Go to any star system and open the Explorer window. Scan down to the bottom. Is the last entry “Border” or “Boundary?” That provides a definitive ID for the platform you’re playing on. Unfortunately, I can’t remember which is which--they’re both “B” words, right? That’s probably what confused the devs too.

2) Some newbies don’t realize that jump gates are both free and, since each end is always in government space, safe. So here’s a little tidbit that will put you way ahead of the game. All you have to do is jump back and forth through the same jump gate for hours. It won’t cost you a credit and you’ll run up HUGE frequent flyer miles!

If you find my tips helpful and want more, please let me know. I’ve got a million of these! I even have a few for more advanced players.

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An excellent question from the Rikkster!

This is Zoidberg speaking. Why should you vote for Zoidberg? Let me count the ways, uh reasons:

In that shadowy alternate reality called RL, Zoidberg himself has voted in the elections of public officials. Zoidberg always chooses the candidate whom Zoidberg believes will make the most entertaining office holder. Pursuant to this policy I helped elect the likes of Ronald Reagan ("I've given my aides instructions that if trouble breaks out in any of the world's hot spots they should wake me up immediately, even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting"), Dan Quayle ("Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child"), Al Gore (inventor of the Internet), Bill Clinton ("It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is), and Arnold Schwarzenegger ("She's either Puerto Rican, or the same thing as Cuban, I mean they are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it.")

By this selective and effective criterion alone, you should vote for Zoidberg. But wait, there's more!

Despite what the Impede-itor referred to as my "colorful" nature, my platform is pretty much in line with those of the other candidates. Face it: we're a pretty homogenous bunch. My opponents have some differences as to whether to concentrate on helping the little guy or the (presumably) more advanced PvP''er, but that's just a matter of emphasis. Ever since Zoidberg proclaimed himself the Universal Candidate, even The Whimperitor has decreed that she'll further the interests of new pilots as well of those of top guns.

So if we're all so alike, why vote for Zoidberg in particular? Let me acquaint you with some of my qualifications that you're probably uninterested in--no, wait! I mean unaware of. I am retired, being just a couple of weeks shy of my 66th birthday. For most of my professional career, I was a writer. I am also trained as a mariage councilor and family therapist specializing in hypnosis. (Deeper and deeper, you want to vote for Zoidberg...deeper and deeper, you want to vote for Zoidberg...)

So how does all this single Zoidberg out as the candidate who should get your vote? What it all adds up to is that I'm a consumate communicator and reconciler. I see my role on the council as mediator, smoothing the way for concerted action when minor differences and petty squabbles might otherwise stymy progress. I've always had a knack for finding the hidden bottom lines of disputing parties and coming up with compromises that satisfied all.

Finally I promise to unearth and root out all demonic influences operating in Nyridia.

"What's Zoidberg talking about now?" you ask. "Why would he believe demonic forces are at work in our fair galaxy?" Well, it's obvious when you look at it from the right perspective. Most pilots believe that the names of the 10,000 star systems that our galaxy boasts were computer generated. After all, anyone can see that some of those names could never have been thought up by any human. But Zoidberg has looked deeper than the rest, and realized that when you get right down to it, a goodly number of our system names could never have been thought of by a computer either. What possibility does that leave? Think about it! Backing me up in this contention is no less a personage than my honorable opponent, The Imp-error-tor, Arya Astra herself. For her testimony to this insidious perfidy, see: http://oerp.forumotion.net/tales-from-t ... te-t55.htm

This message was paid for by the Citizens Committee to let that Crazy Lobster talk himself out of Any chance of Winning (CCCLAW).